The Myth of Toxic Masculinity

Aggression can be good, toughness is necessary, and responsibility is key.

There is harm and heartbreak occurring every single day in our society at the hands of broken men. Whether that be a rude or sexist comment from a stranger,  bullying, drug abuse, homelessness, or even all the way to the extremes of a mass shooter terrorizing a community - A disproportionate percentage of this harm comes from men, and of those men I can assure you that they are all broken men.

In all of the examples above, family and friends close to the offender wonder WHY or HOW could they have done this? They say things like “____ could never have done that.” or “I just didn’t see this coming”. Unfortunately, it’s the people closest to broken men that are in the best positions to help, but simply do not because they don’t know how but more commonly, because they don’t want to upset them.

Obviously (or maybe not obvious), the answer isn’t a simple one. While media and government (we all realize they work together by now, right?) will try to point to a singular cause for each of the above cases, like guns, pharmaceutical companies/prescription drugs, greedy corporations, video games, or toxic masculinity as the cause before quickly moving on to the next news cycle. I thought it was proper to dive in a bit more on what I believe is the cause behind the broken men that are our neighbors, classmates, teachers, brothers, and fathers.

Toxic Masculinity

We’ve all heard of the concept of “toxic masculinity” - But what is it? The phrase is often used as an all-encompassing term for men's behaviors, characteristics, and traits. Those behaviors, according to “researchers”, can include a need to show:

• Mental and physical toughness

• Aggression or violence to assert oneself

• Stoicism or suppressing emotions

• Self-sufficiency

The American Psychological Association (APA) would go so far as to create guidelines aimed at “supporting men to break free of” the above because in their eyes, “there weren’t many differences in the basic behaviors between men and women when societal pressures aren’t applied”. From an evolutionary perspective, that couldn’t be further from the truth. 

I am of the opinion that the broken men that sulk and wreak havoc on our society don’t come from the above definition of Toxic Masculinity… On the contrary, they come from a severe lack of the above traits and the current deliberate attempt of the powers that try to suppress male traits.

Myth #1: Men Don’t Need Mental or Physical Toughness

A lack of mental and physical toughness makes all people, but especially men and young men, more susceptible to, or affected by, bullying. It makes people take the words and actions of others personally, instead of accepting that those words or actions are really just insecurities of the other person. A lack of mental toughness leads to living a life in which life's inevitable peaks and valleys control your emotions.

That’s not to say men should suppress their emotions, of course - But they do need to be taught to not be controlled by those emotions. It can be difficult to unlearn, as we now have generations that were taught that “everyone's a winner” and people who were sheltered from the sting of losing, the feeling of rejection, or the pain of falling off a bike. When you aren’t taught how to handle life’s adversities, you never develop the ability to properly communicate the emotions of anger, frustration, or sadness. 

Myth #2: Aggression is Bad

“A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very dangerous man who has that under voluntary control” - Jordan Peterson

Men and boys shouldn’t be aggressive or violent in the literal sense for the sake of it - That’s called bullying. But, they should know HOW to be if a situation calls for it. Simply knowing HOW to defend yourself or having the strength to do so gives you confidence in everything you do. This is why men and boys who undertake an exercise regime or begin practicing martial arts, or any kind of sport for that matter, have a new sense of confidence in other aspects of their lives. 

Young men also have something that is inside of all males of every species - Testosterone. Males of every species haze, wrestle and pick on each other as a way to toughen up the members of their tribe or pack. There’s a fine line when it becomes bullying, but a little tough love isn’t a bad thing. Iron sharpens iron - most species do something similar because when a life or death situation rears its head, males want to know that the one standing by their side will have their back.

Don’t you ever wonder why men laugh while wrestling or call each other mean names?

Men, especially young boys, need to be given safe and fun outlets to release some controlled aggression. Sports, martial arts, or roughhousing are all excellent for the development of healthy, respectful young men.

Aggression can also apply to pursuing your goals and ambitions. The lack of aggression in the pursuit of what you want in life can actually lead to something called Peter Pan Syndrome.

Myth # 3: Men Don’t Need To Be Self-Sufficient

Peter Pan is a character who never grows up and is forever a boy. Unfortunately, we see many men in our society with Peter Pan Syndrome. They don’t want to accept the responsibilities of being a man, like raising and providing for a family or even providing for themselves.

They lack the aggression or fortitude to go after what they want in life and end up in a state of hopelessness as the birthday's tick by and their life isn’t where they wanted it to be. 

That’s not to say you need to accomplish X by X age - It’s never too late and you’re never too old to chase your goals. But, you should be relentless in the pursuit of your goals - Hell, just start by setting some damn goals!

How to Actually Spot Toxic (Broken) Men

- Doesn’t stand up for himself, lacks confidence, is physically unhealthy, and seeks to blame outside forces for why he is this way.

- Passive to what life hands him - Doesn’t believe he has the power to change anything about his life. A nihilist.

- Controlled by his emotions and prone to lashing out.

- Doesn’t accept responsibility for his decisions or his life. Believes his life is the result of someone or something else vexing him.

- Does and believes whatever is told to him by some perceived authority without stopping to question if something is truly his own belief.

The above is all a dangerous powder keg when combined with modern technologies like social media and testosterone. Social media specifically has been proven to prey on the insecurities people face and feed them content to make them more depressed. This might be the most insidious because it allows people to be their worst selves to each other when they can hide behind anonymity.

Forging the Path Forward

We are at a crossroads in our society. The current generation must look at the broken men that walk among us and say “no more”. Like most things, we fix the problems by starting with ourselves and subsequently helping those around us.

In my view, the path forward is twofold.

First: We must heal the broken men and boys in our society. Just because a man is going through a rough patch in their life and might be “broken” doesn’t mean they can’t be helped or that they should be excluded. Men crave brotherhood. If you notice your father, brother, uncle, cousin, friend, or even a stranger going through a rough patch - REACH OUT. You don’t have to be a psychologist or a trauma expert to invite someone to the gym with you, on a hike, to attend church, or whatever.

Simply getting someone involved in hobbies can go a long way - Hell, you might help them find the hobby or activity that’s been the missing piece in their life!

Second: We must be better role models for our sons and our youth. Evolution has graciously bestowed upon you to privilege to raise the next generation to be better than the one that came before it. Men need to stop being cowards and step up to the plate and accept the responsibility of raising their own kids and teaching them what it means to be a man. 

I’ve heard the excuses “well, I don’t want to mess them up” or “I wasn’t ready” - Well, grow up and get ready. Your ancestors didn’t survive war, starvation, and violence for you to live in the most prosperous period in human history and say it was too hard to raise your damn kid. 

Start by being a good example. Kids watch what adults do and emulate it. If you don’t want to mess them up, then start by fixing yourself TODAY, regardless if you have kids yet or not. Don’t tell your kids how they should behave or what they should do.

Show them- Lift weights. Work hard. Respect women. Respect strangers. Get them involved in sports or better yet, practice sports with them. Teach them skills that will build confidence in themselves. Teach them how to embrace their emotions in a healthy way.

The best way to fix society isn’t through grandiose changes or legislation. It starts with you. Simple changes that you can start with today, in

your home and in your community by being someone that other people look at and say “that’s a good man”. If we had more “good men”, the perception of what people think as toxic will begin to change.

Take action: Go to the gym today if you haven’t already. Cook a healthy meal. Teach yourself a useful skill. Start making small changes in your life. Ce consistent and watch how that leads to big changes a year from now

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Have a great day!

Sebastian